The show begins in Panama City in 2007. Journalist Pete (Eddie Arnold) leaves David Leigh (David Fynn) a voicemail to remind him how he profited greatly from his Timberlake story. He accuses him of refusing to answer his call and being with Anne. Another journalist named Manolo (Goncalo Botelho) alerts him of movement on the inside of the security gate. Pete asks if he spotted Anne. He claims to have seen her and others running out the back. As he questions further, the security gates open to permit access to three vehicles.

David and Anne Darwin (Monica Dolan) are slumped down in the back of a car. She asks if their strategy worked. David says he isn’t sure. She questions how the journalists were able to pinpoint her location. He reminds her that they are journalists.  Their driver, Stefano “Stef” (Ze Bernardino) speeds recklessly through a small town. When David complains about his driving, Stef asks if he still wants to lose the journalists. Just when they believe things are looking up, Pete calls David to alert him of their trailing close behind. Initially, David doesn’t believe him but relents by asking what he wants. He says a photo, not the story. Refusing his offer, David hangs upon him. After peeking out the rear window, he orders Stef to speed up.

Anne asks her audience if they are curious as to why she is in her current situation. She admits to having her own curiosity, as she just wanted to live a life that was simple.

Seaton Carew, Hartlepool 7 Years Earlier (December 2000) – Anne describes Christmas as the “third worst” of her entire life. She admits to losing control over the past year. As she stands on the beach, John Darwin (Eddie Marsan) demands she hurry it up. When she meets up with John, he is supervising the movers. He describes her as being “strong as an ox.” As she straightens the dining chairs, John asks if she started tea. She reminds him of his previous order. He tells her to forget it before heading to the kitchen. She voices her concerns about furnishing, decorating, and heating their new place. He assures her the rent from 11 bedsits will cover their expenses. Shouting emits through the walls from next door. He promises to soundproof the walls before swearing “this is it.” Anne says John went back on his promise.

John poses for a picture in front of a Range Rover. Anne explains how John acquired what he couldn’t afford and took things to the next level. As John looks up at the leaky ceiling, Anna says their world is finally falling apart.

Anne informs John of a debt collection call from American Express. She tells him that their credit card balance is $64K. He contributes their debt problem to the markets collapsing. He assures her that he is doing the best he can while working more hours at the prison. She suggests he start taking their money issues seriously. After pondering their debt for months, he admits to having found a solution. She assures him that bankruptcy will not change how she feels about him. Stunned by her bankruptcy comment, he promises she will love his idea.

Anne reminds John that his solution is against the law and unethical. She demands he thinks about what his death would do to their family. He calmly says everything would go back to normal in a few weeks. She accuses him of going loco. Assuring her that he is of sound body and mind, he asks her to trust him. She asks him to explain his strategy. He reminds her of how he used to enjoy canoeing. He suggests they spread it around that he plans to pick it up again. She acknowledges understanding what he is getting at. He says without anyone’s knowledge, he will put together essentials for a survival kit. Once the kit is assembled, he will start monitoring the weather. He explains the importance of having people witness the execution of his strategy. He plans to take off from the beach and paddle north for several miles before returning to the shore. To support an accident, he will break the paddle and shove the canoe back into the ocean. He will travel to a remote part of the country, where he will pitch his tent.

He suggests that she file a missing person report after returning home from work. He tells her that she will need to have him declared dead to obtain a life insurance payout. She asks what happens after he is dead. Confused, he questions what she is talking about. She suggests he have plastic surgery to alter his appearance, so she can marry a man who looks like him. After thinking about it, he says her idea is actually good. She refuses to be complicit in his appalling scheme. She reminds him of their children. As she walks away, he threatens to commit suicide to avoid the shame that comes along with bankruptcy. She pleads with him to never harm himself. He assures her that he would go through with it.

In narration, Anne admits to having suspicions about John’s suicide threat. She explains how hard she tried to discourage John from going through with his accidental death scheme. Looking at the two damaged canoe paddles, he agrees to buy a replacement. A debt collector bangs on the front door as he stands quietly inside his home. Anne says she believed John had no alternative.

As she prepares food, John informs her that his plan will be implemented tomorrow. Shocked, she pleads with him to consider their sons. He tells her that his mind is made up. Walking away, he assures her that no one is standing in line waiting for her.

Anne sits at her desk when John calls to remind her of their meeting place. He demands that she not be late. In his swimsuit, John stares out the window. When the right opportunity rolls around, he hurriedly grabs his emergency kit and canoe before heading out the door. He greets the Next Door Tenant by saying the weather is perfect for canoeing. The tenant seems a bit taken aback by John’s comment.  With his canoe in hand, he crosses the street in front of a car. He haphazardly launches his canoe into the ocean.

When Anne exits her workplace, she hesitates to get in her car. She drives down the highway while John struggles to reach the shore. She is waiting in her car when he finally arrives. He scolds her for being late. She quietly sobs while driving down the road. He reaches over to touch her hand. As the car is brought to a stop, he assures her it will only take a few weeks for it to pass. He professes his love to her before getting out of the vehicle. Sticking his head in the vehicle, he tells her to not disappoint him. She watches horrified as he walks away.

In narration, Anne tells viewers she read a story about a woman who tried to prevent a hot air balloon, carrying a young lad, from taking off. Her effort was futile, so the balloon gradually ascended into the air, with her holding onto the maneuvering vent line. At 30 feet in the air, the woman had two options – to hold on or let go of the rope.

Anne calls the police to report John missing. PC Andrews (Alice Blundell) and PC Phillips (Beruce Khan) speak to Anne about John. Andrews asks what about John’s work schedule. Anne says his shift would have started at 7pm if he hadn’t been a no-show. Andrews orders Phillips to interview the neighbors. She asks Anne for a recent photo of John. Anne explains how John refused to pose for pictures. She questions if they were having any marital or financial issues. Anne says no. John walks down a sidewalk as Anne explains how it had been quite some time since he canoed. Phillips returns to alert them of two sightings of John about six hours earlier.

In narration, Anne denies having an inkling how the case would blow up so quickly. She watches a news segment about John’s missing-person case. Michael Stephenson (Colin R. Campbell) arrives to support Anne. She swears to have tried to talk John out of it. He asks if the boys know yet. She tells him she just can’t do it. He assures her John will come out of it just fine.

John gets a hotel room under the name of Mr. Allen. As he signs the paperwork, a story about a missing canoeist airs on TV.

Anne looks out the window as a helicopter flies past her home. Michael tries to persuade her to eat by promising John will come home alive. He suggests they alert Anthony Darwin (Dominic Applewhite) and Mark Darwin (Mark Stanley) about John. She informs him that Anthony took Louise to Niagara for a wedding proposal. Michael reaches out to Mark first.

John waits at a bus stop.

Devastated, Mark drives down the highway while listening to a news segment about his missing father. Anne watches reporters and the police outside her window when Mark arrives. He declines an interview as he passes by. He promises Anne that John will be okay before giving her a hug. She tells him John is gone.

In narration, Anne explains how she did horrible things for years. The second she told Mark his father was gone will remain in her memory till death.

With a smile on his face, John walks through a wooded area. He looks around before laying his backpack on the ground.

Anthony tells Louise (Alice Harding) about John’s silly schemes to get rich. He explains how he thought the garden gnome was the future. After investing hours into painting a bunch of cheap garden gnomes that John purchased, they peddled them at boot fairs.

Anne comforts Mark. Anne narrates her experience over the next few days. The police searched through John’s documents and found nothing. John sits on a log eating canned food. She says the case was assigned to a new police officer after a failed four-day investigation. It begins to thunder while he eats. DC June Ayoade (Lois Chimimba) alerts Anne that the search is being canceled. She suggests they “prepare for the worst.” Mark breaks down sobbing. Ayoade asks Anne to give a statement in the next few days. As they sit around the dining table, John calls Anne from a public phone booth. When she doesn’t speak, he calls her name several times. Mark asks if she is all right. She claims the call is from a choir member.

Out of earshot, she scolds John for calling while the police are present. When she tells him about how upset the family is, he asks how he was supposed to know. She assures him that the investigation will only get bigger, not end in four days as he promised. He goes on a rant about his malfunctioning inflatable mattress and having no hot food. As he pleads with her to call him tomorrow, she ends the call.

Anne and John discuss his plans for the future. He tells her of his scheme to be her neighbor. A heinous laugh can be heard in the background when Anne drops. She breaks down on the beach.

In narration, Anne explains how she couldn’t take her own life because it would mean her sons would lose both parents. She continued conversing with John regularly. In one conversation, John complains about indigestion from meat pies. She claims to have pleaded with him to turn himself in at the local police station, but he always refused. John reads “The Day of the Jackal” by Frederick Forsyth from inside his tent. She admits there were times when she considered turning him in. She watches out the window as Anthony and Mark prepare to head home. As soon as they pull away, John calls.

Anne drives out to pick up John who now has a full beard. She tries to convince him to turn himself in. He assures her the most difficult part is past them. Explaining how upset Anthony and Mark are, she suggests he at least talk to them. He warns her about what would happen if they were implicated in their insurance fraud scheme. He asks if that is what she wants for their children.

It is dark when they return home. She gives him the key to his room. He reminds her of them being apart for three long weeks. She warns him of how important it is to stick with their plan. When he knocks on her room door, she goes to bed.

She unlocks the door to let him eat breakfast. He tells her about the book he has been reading when the phone rings. When she hangs up, he suggests they start the life insurance claim, she informs him that the police are on their way. He grabs his book and heads to his room. The police conduct a search of her home while John waits on a commuter bus. Anne asks Ayoade if the police found anything. Ayoade denies finding any evidence as of yet.

At the police station, Ayoade shows Anne John’s canoe.  Anne asks what will happen now. Ayoade says the canoe is enough evidence to explain why John is missing. As John happily walks down the sidewalk, Ayoade says his missing person case is nearly closed. When Anne opens the door for John, they begin making out.

In a narration, Anne says now, John believed he would never get caught. The episode comes to an end as a heinous laugh plays in the background.

 

The Thief, His Wife and the Canoe Review

Let’s start by saying, Eddie Marson and Monica Dolan’s performances are incredible. Nearly an hour of Anne telling a story that in no way warranted a TV show. I honestly don’t know why ITV opted to turn John Darwin’s staged death into a TV series. His story doesn’t hold enough oomph to warrant such a bold action.

There are literally thousands of staged death cases. Unfortunately, statistics are vague at best. Richard John Bingham “Lord Lucan” staged death story has more intrigue. Bingham was kin to Princess Diana by marriage. Bingham and his wife, Veronica Mary Duncan, were fighting for custody of their famous children. Rumors claimed Bingham was up to his eyeballs in gambling debt. After it was reported Bingham’s wife was brutally assaulted and his nanny slain, he put together a faked death scene. It was believed his wealthy acquaintances helped him pull it off. While evidence never surfaced to support a faked death claim, Lucan was lawfully named his nanny’s killer in 1975.

That same year Lucan supposedly committed suicide, John Stonehouse, a British politician, positively staged his own death. What makes the story so interesting is police believed Stonehouse was actually Lucan residing in Australia. Stonehouse was found and brought to trial.

With that out of the way, I found the show a bit out of shape, in some sense. The narration was added at the most inopportune moments. I would have much rather heard John’s side of the story, where he spent three weeks living in the woods. They should have focused on his state of mind, hiding away in a tiny tent while a massive search and rescue effort was underway. The show made it seem as if he continently spent three weeks in the woods reading a book. However, it did give an account of him being in dire straits when Anne refused to have anything to do with him.

Poor Anne, she was a weak woman who loved an incompetent fool. The story deserves a 6.5. Get more The Thief, His Wife and the Canoe recaps by clicking the link. Support Reel Mockery by clicking the link to learn more.