Whose Dick Is This? – The show begins with Lauren (Katherine Parkinson) having sex with Alex (Rowan Witt). With her hands tied, Alex thrusts her hard. She is into it until he calls her a “dirty little sl**.” When he assures her, it is just role play, she approves of it. He dons a mask without skipping a beat.

Lauren is brushing Lola’s hair when Abby (Harper Nichols) complains of foot pain. She claims her daddy promised her a plaster. Lola (Maila Latukefu) explains how she wants her plaits pulled together to make a single plait. She tells her that she assumed she knew everything. Lauren assures her she does know everything. Lola points out that she didn’t know about her plaits.

While walking to the door, Lauren receives a SnapTap message from Sir Cumalot. The message reads, “One load and my cum jar is almost full.” The message includes a photo of a cum jar and a man exposing his penis. When she opens the door, Matt (Stephen Curry) is holding out a jar of kefir. She quickly compares the jar of kefir to the cum jar in the SnapTap message. He reminds her of what she said about wanting to try it. She thanks him for bringing it over. He explains how it is probiotic-rich fermented milk. Before leaving, he describes himself as a soon-to-be-divorced 41-year-old. Responding to the message, she requests the sender identify himself.

She shows the SnapTap message to Charlie (Nick Russell), in hopes he can identify the man by his penis. Horrified by the cum jar, he suggests it may be a matter for the police. She informs him the cum was collected from one ejaculate. A quick search reveals hyperspermia causes an abnormally large ejaculate. She laughs as he reads the complications of the condition. She holds out her cup of milk, but he refuses to accept it.

Charlie reminds her that she has three dates scheduled for the week. He suggests they cancel the dates. She refuses to let a cum jar stop her from dating. He tells her the first date is Dallas Guitar Abs. Ange (Katrina Milosevic) approaches just in time to hear them say second date. She questions if Lauren scored a second date. Lauren assures her it is not with the same man. Ange describes it as “tough” when they don’t call after a date. She suggests not having sex on the first date because no one will buy the cow if the milk is free. Lauren says she isn’t interested in selling the cow.

Pointing out that it’s not the 50s, she says it is okay for women to sleep with whoever they like. Charlie agrees with her. Ange tells her that the good men are already married. Callum (Darcy Kent) interjects himself into their conversation. He asks what she is looking for in a guy. As she says clumsy and weird, Callum overfills his teacup. He describes himself as “clumsy and weird.”

Lauren receives another message from Sir Cumalot. He requests an image of her private parts. She and Charlie head into the restroom. She suggests utilizing his cellphone because the camera is better than hers. He tells her that he doesn’t believe he is the right person to take the photo. She convinces him to go through with it. Entering the bathroom stall, she pulls her underwear down. He stands at the door, with his eyes closed. She asks if it would work better if the underwear were off or on. He tells her to push them down to her ankles. She hands him her underwear. While trying to kneel, he falls butt-first on the floor. Holding the phone underneath the door, he takes several consecutive shots. As he emerges from the restroom, he encounters Ange.

As they walk down the sidewalk, Lauren informs Charlie the photo didn’t come through. While she tries to figure out how to share the photo, Charlie whispers about needing some time and a tea.

Jake (Robbie Magasiva) drops Lola and Abby off at home. Lauren asks her daughter what she has on her face. She says, “cheek tats.” After trying to wipe it off, Lauren determines they were made with a permanent marker. When Jake receives a calendar alert for Dallas Guitar Abs tomorrow night, he asks if Abby is taking violin lessons under Dallas. She initially says yes but decides to tell him that Dallas could be a client. He tries to pull more information out of her about Dallas. She doesn’t respond. Lola reminds them of a party in which she is supposed to dress up at Stanley’s robot. He promises to put something together for her. Saying it isn’t necessary, Lauren holds up a robot costume. Lola says she assumed they were going to make an outfit. Jake asks how much she paid for the costume.

Charlie and Lauren discuss her and Jake’s dual calendar. He questions why she refused to tell Jake that Dallas was a date. She says it’s none of his business. He asks if Sir Cumalot has sent her any more messages. She tells him about her plan to request a penis photo from Dallas, so she can compare it to Sir Cumalot. Ange intrudes to grab a banana. They move to a private location to talk about her Snap Story. She becomes frantic when he informs her that she makes a mistake. Her message was sent to the recipient as well as posted to all her other contacts. She assures him that isn’t anything out of the ordinary, just a vagina image.

Lauren meets Dallas (Keegan Joyce) for a drink. After handing her a drink, he gulps his straight down without stopping. He describes her as a “babe” before they kiss. He asks if she would care to take a bit to listen to his song. While he performs, she asks if he would show her his penis. When he doesn’t respond, she starts undoing his pants. They start making out after she discovers he is circumcised.

Lauren video chats with Helena (Zahra Newman). She tells her about comparing Sir Cumalot’s penis pic to Dallas. Helena sarcastically says her strategy isn’t a bit creepy. Lauren asks if she utilizes the SnapTap app. She isn’t for sure but suggests Dave may utilize it. Lauren comes clean about the vagina image. Helena is shocked by her comment. She tells her that Jake may be involved with someone. Helena asks what gives her that idea. She says when he dropped Lola and Abby off, their plants were fancy “French fishtail plaits.” Helena refuses to believe Jake plaited their hair based on a YouTube video. Lauren denies caring about a girlfriend but refuses to permit her to touch her girls.

Lauren gets the girls ready for school. She asks Abby if Jake plaited her hair. Abby lets it slip that Nancy fixed her hair. Lola informs her that they stayed at Nancy’s house last weekend. When Jake arrives, she asks him about Nancy. He is lost for words. She demands he never take the girls anywhere without her authorization. He shows her the penis pics on his tablet. As he is going through the penis pics, he comes upon her vagina pic. She jerks the tablet away from him to get a better look.

Charlie and Lauren work on Lola’s robot costume when she receives a message from Sir Cumalot. The message reads, “The weapon is ready to discharge, can’t wait to me you…”

Lauren tries Callum to see if he can figure out the penis images. Pointing at the photo, Callum identifies the liquid in the jar as sperm. Charlie pretends to be surprised by his revelation. He says there are approximately 710 milliliters of sperm in a 370-gram jar. He tells them that the after ejaculate is 3.7 milliliters. He diagnoses the man with hyperspermia. He zooms in on the photo to show them a Flak jacket. Ange approaches to speak with Charlie alone. She informs him about an AirDrop request that she received from him yesterday. She asks him to validate that the photo is a vagina. Charlie is shocked by what he sees. Lauren interrupts to tell Ange the image was meant for a client.

Ange reminds her of the requirements when sending sensitive data to clients. Lauren tells her that Charlie probably made an error, which is how she ended up with it. Ange is shocked by the penis images on Callum’s computer screen. Lauren accepts the responsibility for the error. Ange agrees to just delete the vagina image. Before walking away, she takes another glance at Callum’s computer screen. With Ange out of earshot, Charlie scolds Lauren for being non-tech-savvy.

Lauren works on Lola’s robot costume when Abby tells her about Nancy making hummus from scratch. Lola asks if she fixed the robot. Lauren denies that it is working. Lola reminds her of Jake being an electrician, not her. Lauren flips on the switch to light up the robot’s head. Within nanoseconds, the lights start blowing. Abby rushes to get the fire extinguisher. A few squirts put the smoke out.

Jake repairs Lola’s robot. Lola brings in a glass of kefir, which grabs Jake’s attention. He flips the switch to bring the robot to life. The robot repeatedly demands they stop wasting water.

Before leaving, Jake informs Lauren that he is dating someone. She assures him that she figured it out. He promises to keep the girls away from Nancy if that is what she wants. She assures him it is okay as long as he checks with her first. When they reach his vehicle, Nancy (Christie Whelan Browne) pops up in the passenger seat. Nancy informs her of the vagina pic that she doesn’t want the girls to see. Jake, Lola in her robot costume, and Abby emerge from the house. Lauren contacts someone to validate their date for tonight.

Lauren is having sex with Alex. He ejaculates on her breasts.

Lauren voice chats with Alex. She tells him that she can now identify the man in the penis pic as the episode comes to an end.

 

Spreadsheet Review

The dialogue to a failed attempt at be funny. I watched the entirety of the episode without laughing once. I am a fan of Katrina Milosevic, but I feel she is miscast. Her performance is painful to watch. Boomer was the ideal character for her, not Ange.

The show is closer to being a porno than a comedy. Lauren’s promiscuity makes her look trashy. She is obsessed with having sex with total strangers. She discusses sex with anyone who will listen. How inappropriate of her and Charlie to discuss her sexual interludes at work?

The show is a disaster. The only good qualities are sweet Lola and Abby.

The episode deserves a 5. Get more Spreadsheet recaps here. Support Reel Mockery by clicking on the link.