Condoms and cornichons – The story begins as attorney Lauren (Katherine Parkinson) is getting oral sex in front of the Palais Theater. She has an organism as patrons emerge from the theater. Finance manager, Andy (Charlie Mycroft) asks her if she would like to go back to his place. She says, “What for.” He wants to finish what they started, she thanks him and leaves.

Lauren and Alex (Rowan Witt) are walking to work. He asks her if the man from the Palais Theater wash “Andy”, as he pulls his tablet out and documents it on their spreadsheet. She says he was “tall” because it was dark. She shows him an image of 32-year-old Andy on her cellphone. She complains, her ex-husband, Jake (Robbie Magasiva) was late picking up their daughters. Alex reminds her, she was late and asks her if Andy is a repeat. She says “maybe” and rates him a “7”. He plans to add a “maybe” tab to the spreadsheet for future dates.

At the law firm, Alex tells Lauren she must file paperwork for the Morgan case and an appointment with Mr. Griffin at 9am tomorrow. She is scheduled to be at Bar Margaux at 8pm. Ange (Katrina Milosevic) repeats Alex, “Bar Margaux” and asks Lauren if she has a date. She questions if her marriage with Jake is over. She confirms their relationship is over. Ange calls Lauren “brave” for utilizing dating apps and competing with girls half her age. She says it must be difficult with all the rejection. Alex disagrees, “There’s actually not that much rejection.”

At Margaux, Lauren meets Hayden (Kevin Hofbauer) for a drink. He tells her about playing blind-side winger for a professional rugby team for five years. He continues to tell her about himself, she seems uninterested. Eventually, she tells him she doesn’t care. They go to her house to have sex. As Hayden prepares to leave, he tells her it was his “best first-time.” She refuses his offer to stay longer. He says, “another time.” She will have to check her spreadsheet and get back to him later.

At a meeting, Lauren is asked to speak. She says the Cameron case was settled out of court. She and Alex scored a lucrative case with Mr. Hilton. She answers her mobile phone during the meeting. It is her daughter’s school. She says to call her dad who is calling her from a landline. She tries to calm her daughter down by singing “wash your hands, wash your hands.” Her ex-husband, Jake (Robbie Magasiva) is put on speaker. He asks her about his goggles. She sings to her daughter and talks to Jake simultaneously while everyone watches. She hangs up and says, “Yeah, yeah, she’s going to wash her hands.” She asks Alex to fill in the details of the Mr. Hilton case. Ange says it is a great sign Jake is reaching out to Lauren.

She receives a picture of a man with his shirt off. He asks for a picture in return. She is taking a selfie when Mrs. Allen (Georgina Naidu) from her daughter’s school taps on her window. She hurriedly puts her phone away and rolls down her window. Mrs. Allen warns her about utilizing her phone while driving. If caught, she will have to pay a “hefty fine.”  She denies driving, but Mrs. Allen isn’t having it because her car is still running.

She switches off the engine and gets out of her vehicle, where she meets Jake. He acknowledges their daughters, Lola (Maila Latukefu) and Abby (Harper Nichols). He thinks she is due to be in court or mediation today. She corrects him, saying she will be in mediation tomorrow. She is given an encyclopedia of the Roman Empire and a costume for the Earth Aware Fair. They are placed in the back of Lauren’s vehicle. She refuses avocados from Jake. He tells her to keep an eye out for his goggles.

Lauren, Lola, and Abby get in her car. Abby reminds her of the Earth Aware Fair tomorrow at 3pm. She will be in mediation tomorrow. Abby complains, all the other mums will be there, you never come and ask for an “adjournment.” Abby picks up her cellphone when it rings. It is a text from “Charlie Beard BDSM” with an image attachment. She screams and tells her to not open it.

A police officer (Nazeem Hussain) immediately pulls her over when she runs a stop sign. She sensually inspects him as he begins to address her. He threatens her with a 3-month suspension for utilizing her cellphone while driving. She says I’m an attorney and it was a client. He says attorneys do not get special treatment she agrees. She requests he remove his sunglasses. She flirts with him in an attempt to get out of a ticket. He pretends to not have seen a stop sign. He would ignore the violation, but his dashcam records everything. Her car is towed along with Abby’s earth costume.

At home, Lauren is talking to, Helena (Zahra Newman). She tells her about the car being towed. Lauren tells her men are for sex, friends are for theater, movies, and dinner. Helena doesn’t understand how Lauren is hooking up with young men. She says it may have something to do with her “no commitment” status. Helena responds, “There is nothing more attractive than someone who doesn’t want you.” Lola runs and jumps on her bed and says she needs a snack for herself and Ellia and Ellia’s one hundred million and seven sisters. She agrees to give her two crackers when Lola finds something on the bedroom floor.

Lauren and Alex are at a restaurant. Alex scolds her for utilizing her cellphone to see if there are any men nearby. An image of a man shows up on the screen. Alex reminds her of Abby’s birthday party. He warns her the image may be old because it is black and white. When the man appears, he is nothing like the image, he is much older. Lauren sneaks off the restroom, leaving Alex with the man. When Alex calls, she orders him to tell the man she is sick and to grab her bag. He suggests the man utilize more recent images the next time.

Lauren is preparing to take Abby and Lola to school. Lola thinks God is inside her lighted ball. Alex arrives to pick them up, he warns Lauren he has only had his car for three months. He orders the girls to not eat or drink in his Jensen. With the girls in school, Alex attempts to clean his car. He threatens her with weekly cleanings. He admits to filing an affidavit, he wants to get her a sippy cup. She wants to file Hayden and Charlie BDSM in the spreadsheet. He will do it when they get in the office. Alice calls from the school to tell Lauren Lola forgot her box for show and tell.

Alex and Lauren drop the box off at school. She is shocked to see Hayden, “Mr. B”, working at her daughter’s school. Abby questions how they know each other since he just started. Alex refers to Hayden as “Big Banana.” She hands the box to Mrs. Allen who says it is a bit late. Lola sits the box down to show it to her classmates. She pops open the lid and a neon yellow condom is lying inside. She describes the yellow condom as her new favorite treasure. Mrs. Allen snatches the box away and tells Alyssa to go next.

At the impound yard, Lauren attempts to climb a chain-link fence to get her car because it is closed. After several attempts at climbing the fence, they head to the office. During a meeting, she receives an alert about Abby’s performance. She asks for an adjournment. A lady tells her it is court, but mediation. She hurriedly apologizes and leaves.

When she arrives at the school, the performance is over. Mrs. Allen stops and escorts her into the school. She tells her about the yellow condom. Lauren asks if it was used. Mrs. Allen says, “This is incredibly inappropriate.” She is “mortified.” A letter will be sent out to all parents of children who saw the condom, without disclosing Lola’s name. She doesn’t think it will be appropriate for Lauren to drive the bus for a school excursion next week. She agrees, saying it may be better for someone else to drive the business. She volunteers for another school activity, so she is sent to a slime event. She accuses him of leaving the condom on her floor. He calls Mrs. Alice “mum”, and they are plastered with slime.

At home, Lola asks why Mrs. Allen never liked her balloon. She promises to get her a much better balloon. When she visits Abby’s bedroom, she is ignored. She entices her to take a look at something. They go to the living room, where she has a stage set up for Abby to perform. She performs a rap song about the politicians and money grabbers who are killing the earth.

They arrive at the impound lot to get her car. She discovers her car has two other “hoon offenses,” one of which is Jake’s. The car is crushed, along with the earth costume and Roman Empire book as the episode comes to an end.

Spreadsheet Review

While a 30-minute TV show, the episode is packed full of scenes, some of which are funny and others not so much. The storyline does not take parenting or safety very seriously. Lauren’s behavior is unrealistic, dangerous, and inappropriate. Her roving eye and sexual promiscuity are more common in males, no offense. Robbie Magasiva and Katrina Milosevic seem out of place in their roles, not a good fit at all.

The dialogue is so fast, keeping up is almost impossible. It is like the writers threw everything, even the kitchen sink into the show, hoping something would stick. The episode deserves a 5.

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