The Realest Goddam*ed Place On Earth – As the first episode of Florida Man begins, Mike Valentine (Edgar Ramirez) attends a group meeting in which he calls himself a gambler. He says it started with gold in a fish and a lie. One year later, Mike visits a hardware store where he asks the worker about a hammer. Mike wants the best hammer for breaking a guy’s legs. Gil Franco (Nick Basta) quickly recognizes Mike from the gambler’s meeting. Gil wants him to tell Moss that he’ll get his money. Eventually, Gil runs away from Mike only to fall and break his leg. Mike visits Iris and gives her a ring back before asking if they can start over.

He explains it is restitution since he is trying to correct his wrongs. He is also working for the gangster to pay off his debt. She reveals she is on a task force trying to get Moss Yankov so she wants Mike’s help, but Mike doesn’t think Moss is worth their time. He asks if she’ll take the ring if he agrees to think about it. Later, Gil tries to pay Moss (Emory Cohen) off in buried treasure. Moss refuses and forces the coin into Gil’s mouth. He wants the 200 grand Gil owes him. When Moss slaps him, the coin comes out and rolls along the floor. Delly West (Abbey Lee) gets ready. She complains about Moss working late on her birthday when he promised he wouldn’t.

Mike drops them off so they can celebrate Delly’s birthday. At the restaurant, Moss tells Delly that their year anniversary is coming up soon. He gives her a necklace for her birthday. Delly isn’t happy to find a hair in the clasp because that means it was stolen. Before she storms off, Delly says she’d like to get something special just for her one time. Moss gives Mike the keys to the vehicle and asks him to make sure she gets home okay. Mike follows her and tries to convince her to get into the car. Once she does, he takes her to a club so she can dance. When he walks over to her, Delly reminds him they said this wasn’t going to happen again. He says it probably was though.

As they drive back, Delly says Moss talks about Mike who is like a golden retriever who fetches a stick when he’s told. After Mike gets her a coffee, Delly suggests they get on the highway and just keep going. She says they can go to Florida because it seems like a place that can provide a lot of opportunities. Mike says it provided him with the opportunity to leave. He goes on to say he is from there and he isn’t going back. In the morning, Moss asks Mike about driving Delly home and whether she said anything. Although Mike says they didn’t talk at all, a flashback shows that they had sex. Moss gave her a new BMW, they made up, and everything was great until she took the car and left.

She allegedly went to come place called Coronado Beach, Florida. Moss knows because she got a red-light ticket and it was mailed to him. Moss wants Mike to go get her. Mike wants 50 grand wiped off of what he owes for doing it. Moss says 50 off what he owes or a hundred added if he fails. Once Mike agrees, he says he is going to take a flight and he wants Moss to pay for it. Mike doesn’t think he’ll have trouble getting a gun since he is going to Florida. He picks one up at the airport before going to the Palm’s Motel where the owner Benny (Isaiah Johnson) introduces himself. Mike asks for a sewing kit before using the tools to open the gun case he just stole from the airport.

When he opens it, he finds that the gun belonged to Deputy Sheriff John Ketcher. Mike goes down to the beach He sees a young woman struggling in the water so he rushes out to help her. She accuses him of trying to violate her. He runs out to get her top, but gets bit by a shark. Patsy (Otmara Marrero) wakes him up at the hospital. He learns that the shark bite has become news and the video is popular online. When Patsy drops him off at the motel, she hopes he is coming to dinner tonight. Mike claims he will. Once he goes inside, Moss calls to ask why he didn’t know Mike was from Florida. Moss suggests he didn’t want him to know where his family is.

Mike creates a business card calling himself an independent insurance consultant. Then, he goes to the police station to speak to Officer Andy Boone (Paul Schneider) who was hired by Sonny Valentine (Anthony LaPaglia). Mike says he is the guy from the video and he is trying to track a woman to give her a settlement check. Andy can’t tell him anything about Delly West. Later, Mike goes to dinner with Patsy, Deacon (Michael Esper), and Tyler (Isabel Gameros). Deacon says he is the county surveyor and Tyler needs math. Later, Mike and Patsy go outside for a smoke. He admits he likely wasn’t going to call to say he was back. She knows he is lying about the insurance check story. The next day, Mike decides to visit his father Sonny.

Sonny says he retired with honor and a full police chief suspension. He says every father wants their son to be better than them. Mike explains he is looking for Delly although he doesn’t know what she is doing down there. Officer Ketcher complains about not having his sidearm with him. He decides to run and find a gun before going into Disney World. Andy calls Mike who meets him later. He admits he had some men look for the missing woman’s BMW out of respect for Sonny. Andy says the check insurance story embarrasses him. He gives Mike information. Moments later, Mike visits the dealership with Delly’s BMW and searches it. He finds a ticket with an address on it. When he looks up the address online, he finds the Gators Tail Lounge.

He receives a call from Iris asking if he heard about the dismembered body that turned up in the sewer. She questions him about Gilbert Franco. Mike remembers him from the program. Iris isn’t sure how he did and the fact he was chopped up isn’t helping matters. Iris knows that he owed Moss Yankov so she wants to know what Mike’s involvement was. He claims he wasn’t involved. At a convenience store, the clerk asks Mike if he is a gambling man because the man before him left a ticket. Mike decides not to try his luck. He looks outside and sees Delly getting out of a vehicle. While he waits outside the lounge, he calls Moss to ask if he killed Gil Franco. Moss questions why he’d ask him that on the phone. He insists he knows nothing about anyone getting killed.

He just wants Mike to finish the job. Mike warns him not to threaten his family again. When Delly leaves with a man, Mike follows them. He follows them on foot and watches them go inside. Then, he hears gunshots coming from inside. He finds Delly covered in a bloody sheet. When he checks her purse, he discovers a small, gold coin. After Mike flees with her purse, someone in another car calls Sonny to tell him. In a flashback, Mike tells Delly that he doesn’t plan on working for Moss for long. He says it isn’t going to happen again. Delly asks if he wants to bet. In the present, Mike calls Moss to say he has Delly’s phone although he doesn’t have her.

Mike questions whether Moss wants to know why she is there and who she has been talking to. Moss tells him to unlock the phone and figure it out on his own. Officer Andy Boone has to visit the cottage where the gunshots were heard last night. The room has been cleaned up. The woman in charge offers to speak to a police sketch artist since she saw the man in question. Mike finds Buzz (Mark Jeffrey Miller) shooting at manatees. Then, he asks Sonny if he heard anything about a shooting last night. Sonny asks if he just wants to know if he was spotted. When Mike asks why he had him followed, Sonny says that is what fathers do. Moss asks his other guard if Delly cheated on him, but he doesn’t know because Mike is the only one who ever drove her.

Mike goes to the Gators Tail Lounge to ask about Delly. The bartender tells him to look at the boyfriend or husband because they usually do it. While Mike is there, he sees a news report about an ambulance chase involving the man Delly was with last night. He was driving the ambulance before it was stolen and is now clinging to life. After getting another business card, Mike goes to the news station to speak to Kaitlin Fox (Lauren Buglioli). She thinks he is from the US Department of Transportation. They agree to get breakfast tomorrow. Tyler complains to her parents about wanting a parrot. Later that night, Mike steps outside and learns that Tyler has an app that tracks the space station. He asks if everything is okay.

Tyler says it sucks in a normal way so everything is fine. She goes inside later to watch The Bachelor. The next day, Mike searches for information about the murder at the Salt Air Bungalows. Iris calls him to say she has found a picture of Gil’s boat in Florida. She tries to find out what he is doing in Florida. Mike explains that he is on business, but it isn’t Gil Franco business. As Andy arrives at the station, Lacey hands him the sketch of Toothless from the dragon movie. She wanted him to know that she can draw sketches too. He immediately notices something when he sees the sketch of the suspect. Andy goes to Sonny to ask what he knows about his son’s involvement in the shooting from two nights ago.

Andy shows him the sketch and says it is Mike, but Sonny says it isn’t Mike. Sonny quickly points out that they don’t have any evidence. Andy doesn’t know what happened yet, but he is confident he will. He makes it clear that he will only be loyal and grateful to a point. Mike meets Kaitlin to talk to her about the ambulance story. He asks if she can get him the footage from where the stolen ambulance stopped. They share a toast to a big story. Mike has another flashback in which he tells Delly that he can’t do this again. She thinks they got there the same way. Moss offered them something, they took it, and they’re paying him back. Mike gets an email with the ambulance video, but his Internet connection isn’t working so he steps outside.

Andy goes back to the crime scene to look for evidence. He finds a drop of blood on the ground. Mike notices something when watching the video, but Sonny comes over and interrupts. He warns Mike that the police know he was at the bungalow. Mike claims she was already dead. Sonny warned him so he won’t bring his troubles into his neighborhood. When Sonny mentions his mother, Mike says he doesn’t get to talk about her. Sonny thinks he should leave. No matter how good they cleaned up the crime scene there is evidence somewhere. Mike says she was never in the ambulance because they disposed of the body.

He thinks it was a professional job. Mike quickly calls Moss to tell him that Delly is dead. He thinks Moss put the hit on her, but Moss suggests Mike might’ve killed her. Mike notices his door is ajar so he ends the call with Moss. He finds Delly on the bed with a gun pointed at him.

 

Florida Man Review

The opening episode of Florida Man matched Netflix’s standard pretty well since it was neither spectacular nor awful although it probably leaned more towards the latter. The series can likely be good fun if viewers are willing to ignore reality and overlook the silliness of the story. However, this is becoming a common trend for Netflix original programs that require viewers to watch mindlessly to fully enjoy what they’re seeing.

One strange thing about Florida Man is the fact that the series limited itself by specifying that the lead is supposed to be a Florida man. Yet, the lead is not a Florida man and his father isn’t a Florida man. Instead, one is Venezuelan and the other is Australian. It’s hard to imagine what the series even has to do with the meme besides using it for leverage and to lure in eyeballs. Are the majority of the scenes even filmed in Florida?

Unfortunately after the first episode, I am searching for reasons to care about anything that is happening and any of the characters. The show hasn’t given me nearly enough reason to yet. Even for a silly series like this, there needs to be someone or something to cheer for and that hasn’t been established in the opening episode. This may take a little more time to develop so it may be best to watch another episode or two before writing it off.

The opening episode scores a 5 out of 10. Recaps of Florida Man can be found on Reel Mockery here. Learn more about supporting our independent website at this link. Find out how to advertise on Reel Mockery here.