CRZSRDS – The start of episode 5, yet again, starts with John Doe (Anthony Mackie) and Quiet (Stephanie Beatriz) at each other’s throats. Although it’s the same old tune, it’s a different record player this time. John blames their delay on Quiet for needing to stop for another restroom break, while Quiet contributes John’s fire hydrant peeing technique to alerting vultures three counties over. A nearby trashed upended vehicle reveals that Evelyn has already made quick work of whatever the vulture managed to escape with. However, when John goes over to retrieve his stole CDs it only further perturbs Quiet. John’s not only been building his music collection for a decade but there is no substitute for good music. Quiet agrees but won’t say so when John asks her about tossing the vulture’s Hanson CD. Although they are only 3 miles from Topeka and John should be in a hurry, he won’t have Quiet walking the rest of the way.

Plus, he’s deadest on seeing the famed sanctuary she’s promised. Spotting a 4-pack of undamaged Brimbles Black Ice Vodka, Quiet proposes a toast while she shows off her ax-throwing skills on the tires of the upended vehicle. John’s aren’t even good enough to sit in the bleachers of the ballpark. John only realizes seconds too late that his drink has been laced with some floral concoction that Quiet lifted from Amber’s (Diany Rodriguez) Pharmacy. Quiet leaves him with the keys to Evelyn and heads in the direction of Topeka, 3 miles away.

Topeka – Jamie (Chelle Ramos) and Carl Roberts (Michael Carollo) interrupt Agent Stone (Thomas Haden Church) right in the middle of practicing his word of the day. Against the ornate background of what appears to be the governor’s office, they don’t waste a second informing their leader of the appalling results of their search effort. No sign of the mapmaker, Quiet, or John, but Carl assures the man he’ll be right there should the pop-up. Reminding his two officers of the chaos these two have already left in their wake, including beating his second in command to death, he finds the time to berate Carl for using the term pop-up like he’s making toast. Jamie is reprimanded as well when she tries to step in for her brother. Stone orders them back to the search with more effort than if you were scanning your lover for body lice.

As Carl tries to explain that Jamie is his sister, Stone cuts the younger boy off and tells him that he’s very aware of what a sister is. With their bodies hanging from the rotunda by Friday evening, there will be no better way to introduce the residents of Topeka to the weekend, and that’s what Stone wants.

On The Road Outside The Hoover Dam – Sweet Tooth (Joe Seanoa aka Samoa Joe) makes his first appearance since torching the casino just a half a mile from Hoover Dam. Cruising along, he soon finds himself halted at the Hoover Dam crossing where John and Quiet were detained. Although he greets the man in his most gregarious attitude, it doesn’t take long for him to lose his composure when the young guard continues to probe him for his ORL (Over the Road license). The guard attempts to remain steadfast as Sweet Tooth gets out of the ice cream truck and literally jams a grenade device down the man’s throat and pulls the pin. Just as Sweet Tooth busts through the gate, the young guard loses control of the grenade and his head blows off.

Topeka – Still passed out, John’s unconscious body is dragged across the road by some faceless, barefoot individual while several miles up the road, two of Topeka’s finest relieve themselves on a detained suspect in similar shape. Not looking each other in the eyes, they discuss Agent Shepard’s (Jared Bankens) recent demise. One of the lawmen (Josh Whites) heard that Shepard killed himself, while his associate (Matt Hopkins) heard something entirely different. This officer heard that the man was found naked with his pecker out, head nearly busted open, and a schoolgirl porn mag close by. That same officer is annoyed by the fact that he finds another ham sandwich in his lunch box when they retire to the cruiser. Debating trades, Quiet is revealed to hiding in the backseat and getting ready to attack.

It’s only mere minutes later when their marked SUV is shown passing through a guarded Topeka checkpoint. Granted access and when around the corner unseen, the vehicle starts swaying all over the road as the two officers a dispatched and left aside the road. The officer that didn’t appreciate the ham sandwich is also revealed to be shirtless. The attacker is revealed to be Quiet, as rounds the enforcement vehicle through what appears to be a highly guarded subdivision. Despite the typical manicured lawns and scenery, even Quiet is appalled to find a beaten man tied to a post with a sign around his neck and the leash to his rather large poodle in his hand. The sign reminds residents of the importance of picking up after their pets.

If that wasn’t disturbing enough, Quiet soon has a conversation with her deceased brother, Loud (Richard Cabral) about how messed up the suburbs are now. Loud points out that his Quiet can be just as vicious, but fears that she’s on a suicide mission.

Hoover Dam – Stu (Mike Mitchell) has found himself in familiar territory when the chiming wall counter calls out C42. As he cautiously checks his plastic-cuffed tethered hands, a stamp reveals him to be C43. A pompous guard (Aviel Ayoung) immediately recognizes the fear all over his face and doesn’t waste the opportunity to goad the man. He and his buddy get a good laugh out of the fact that Stu will fall fast. To his credit, Stu attempts to defend himself but he does it in such a way an intellectual way that it comes as completely unthreatening. Nonetheless, the guard is rightly offended and ready to respond when everyone’s attention is drawn to the nearby ruckus by the entrance. Only the top half of Sweet Tooth’s recognizable machete is sticking through the guard’s chest, like a piece of skewered kabob.

Kicking down the double doors and entering the room, it doesn’t take the killer clown long to dispatch the guards. He does it in such an artful way that when he declares the scene to be finished, he gets a standing ovation from the seated spectators. Stu even manages to get to his feet, even though he is hesitantly last.

Topeka – John is finally starting to stir. He not only realizes that he is splayed out next to the vulture from the upended vehicle, but he sees the naked rearview of a haggard loner (Ritchie Montgomery) as he rubs vegetable shortening into his skin and talks to himself. When John remarks aloud to himself how nasty the man is, the loner notices the stirring and turns to face John, who is now played dead again. Getting down on all fours, and approaching him like a dog, he begins sniffing him like a dog. Going up and down John’s body he arrives at his zipper and begins to unzip. Although he doesn’t attack the man, John stirs and nearly scares him to death. As the haggard old man gets to his feet and jumps back, it’s not only revealed that the man is wearing a gas mask as underwear, but he has a proclivity for necrophilia. John’s first question is about the missing Quiet. When the man goes for his knife and threatens to put John back asleep, he’s surprised to learn that John lifted it during the foreplay.

However, John is not a skilled knife thrower and that proves to be his downfall. Grabbing the unsuccessfully thrown knife, the man attempts to attack. Lucky for John, the ensuing clumsy struggle ends with the knife in the old man’s left eye socket. Zipping back up, John is still under the impression that Quiet has been taken and a frantic search ensues. That is until he makes it to Evelyn and notices the penned note she left stashed under Bosch Icon wipers. After a quick check of the note, his first response is to ask what kind of psychopath spells the name John without an H. Further inspection reveals that Topeka was a made-up pipedream. Beating the masturbating Shepard’s brains out of his skull just wasn’t enough. She’s going after Stone on his own turf and wanted to spare John.

Elsewhere in Topeka, Quiet’s alter ego, in the form of Loud, is still goading her about being on a suicide mission. The tide of conversation soon turns and they get back on that typical brother/sister plane. Loud sure missed the last few days of cruising around with his sister and planning hijinks. At least, she still has the milkman to kick it with. Quiet contributes John as behind a huge pain in the butt, but being her alter ego, Loud knows different, especially now that she’s seen him with his shirt off. Quiet soon discovers around little suburban ornament in the form of Agent Stone. This one, however, is made of clay and depicts Stone as a hero, a savior of the people. As Quiet stops to vent about the statue, Jamie joins her at the driver’s window. The uniform only provides so much cover, but it is the mechanical finger that gives her away.

Jamie plays it as cool as possible until, alter ego, Loud, interferes and tells Quiet that she’s got to go now. Although already reaching for her weapon, Jamie isn’t nearly enough for the speeding away vehicle.

Hoover Dam – Sweet Tooth and his new group of followers dance and preen through the immense Dam to background show music. Carefully picking his way through the bodies, Stu can’t come to grips with what he’s seeing. Even more unfortunate for him is that the pompous guard from earlier is somehow still alive and more adamant than ever about making sure he doesn’t escape. Being pushed to the ground and closing his in anticipation of the attack, Stu doesn’t get to witness the dispatch of the guard. With a discarded limb in hand, Sweet Tooth hoists Stu to his feet and after the requisite thanks you are issued, the two learn a bit more about each other. Sweet Tooth is no longer with his followers but bound and determined to reap more havoc. Sweet Tooth feels a fondness for Stu and can’t help but point out how they are both big guys. As they trod along, Stu spots the hiding and frightened Mike and spares his life by nothing pointing him out, despite his earlier betrayal of Stu.

Topeka – Back on the road, bound and determined to reach his destination, John recalls fond memories of his and Quiet’s time together. Shaken those loose and unbeknownst of the ruse, he has even finder memories of the diner with Raven (Neve Campbell), the 3-ply toilet paper, and the comfort of community. He loads Evelyn with tunes to further push the memories from his mind and slams the pedal to the metal. A highway sign reveals that he’s 540 miles from Chicago.

Elsewhere in the state capital, Stone enjoys a shoe shine and a good conversation with the elderly shiner. The two swap fond memories of pre-apocalyptic passion. Shoe Shine guy was fond of lures and fishing, whereas Stone favored his collection of state quarters. He almost had the entire collection before the world went to crap. Their good tidings are soon interrupted by a radio report of a lady with a mechanical finger. Stone is surprised to learn that she’s alone yet orders them to not engage. At Carl’s insistence that they will bring him the lady’s teeth, Stone declares that it’s time he made an example of the interloper himself.

Being pursued by Topeka Law, Quiet’s alter ego soon helps her realize that she’s wasting the second chance her brother gave her. Now, however, it might be too late. Quiet is stopped stone cold when she gets the call from Stone over the radio. The lawman even manages to correctly use the word of the day, asking what happened to the girl’s loquacious boyfriend. Ever the giving man, he’s giving her another chance. She can run and be hunted down like a dog or she can turn around and have a conversation with him. Against the advice of her imaginary companion, she chooses to turn the patrol vehicle around and grant the agent an audience.

Hoover Dam – Loading up the eponymous ice cream truck with newly acquired supplies, the sentimental Sweet Tooth asks about Stu’s future travel plans. Stu’s searching for his own little slice of paradise. He did have a riding mate until they came here and got thrown under the bus by the guy. Sweet Tooth takes this the literal way and reminisces how fun that can be. Stu, once again, thanks the man, but Sweet Tooth feels the need to leave him with parting advice. He basically reminds him that there are two kinds of people in the world, there are killers and there are victims. Despite Stu’s good nature, there will come a time when he will need to bite down and bare his teeth. Stu admits that he has a problem with that, but does hope to find his fangs soon.

Sweet Tooth extends an invitation to be a sort of mentor to Stu and it only takes him a second to accept, even though Harold’s got shotgun. Discussing their next venture, Sweet Tooth can’t help but admit how good it felt to rip into those authority figures. Using his recently acquired law knowledge, Stu reveals the outposts staged up and down the East Coast. Every outpost is also packed with captives just waiting to be freed. Free them and Sweet will have fans for life.

Topeka – Arriving at Thrills and Spills Amusement Park, Stone order the two patrol car following Quiet to fall back. As they do, he introduces his guest to the park and reveals how the place was one of his favorite childhood haunts. Although he got his first pickle tickle on the Ferris wheel, it was the midway that he loved the most. That’s because he loves games. Just as he declares this, she realizes that she has been lured into a game of chicken. She bears down on his vehicle at top speed while firing the vehicle’s mini machine guns, but is unexpectedly t-boned at a crossing road by another patrol SUV. The patrol car at the end of the straight stretch was a plant, and Stone is revealed to be in the SUV.

Quickly whipping around and facing the stalled Quiet, he arms and fires the vehicle’s missile. She’s just fast enough to maneuver away and flip him the bird while doing so. A chase soon ensues and ends with Quiet’s patrol lying on its side by another carefully placed missile from Stone. Right before the missile makes contact, Loud tells Quiet that he’ll be seeing her soon. Watching her crawl from the vehicle, Stone is surprised and a bit shocked by the fight left in the lady. Arming both of his vehicle’s miniguns, he bares down on her at top speed. The rear of Stone’s SUV is soon unexpectedly launched in the air and Evelyn is revealed amidst the smoke and debris to a background of Hansen’s number one hit, MMMBop.

As John expertly drift slides Evelyn in place, all Quiet can say is that John looks upset. You better believe he’s upset, seeing that he just wasted his only recently acquired missile. Despite their need to vacate as quickly as possible, Quiet soon becomes deadweight when she passes out. John is shown carrying Quiet to Evelyn as the episode ends.  

 

 

Twisted Metal Review

 

An excellent midseason episode! As far as midseason episodes go, this is certainly one of the better ones I’ve seen in the past months. Right on course with the others, I would easily rate the episode a 6 out of 10. It was a given that John would return for Quiet, but it was done fantastically. I didn’t expect Sweet Tooth and Stu to team up, but it’s going to be fun to watch Stu’s maniac side emerge, if it does. It might even be more fulfilling to see him remain the practical voice or reason for Sweet Tooth’s psychotic side. Either way, I find myself looking forward to seeing more of the road tale unfold.

 

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